Start of Disbelief

Even if time is Imaginary [ based on what Mr. Stephen Hawkings said in "A Brief History of Time"], I recall the first time doubt crept my senses. As one fellow Atheist said in a mailing list, it did not occur to me, rather, it was inevitable that I was awaken to the fact that I just cannot believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, omni-benevolent Fairy "Father" in the Sky. I still can recall when I first learned to think before I leapt.

I cannot forget that fateful night, 14th of July 1992. Quietly, I was moved to tears realizing how futile our efforts in "cleansing our soul" is after reading the Book of Revelations. I was reading the part where the seven seals are broken, and already 4 of the 7 trumpets were sounded. Indeed, Horror, Horror, Horror it is. At my age of 12, nothing can be more horrible than to realize that the world we lived in. The same world where we created sweet memories. The very same world that we have come to love, will be ended in one of the most terrible if not the most terrible way that I can imagine. That night, I prayed that if "The Father" is really up there, can he be more merciful towards us, His people, and revoke what was written in that "Sacred" book.

Next morning, I was thinking in class, is there a way that we can avoid this terror? I was too young then so I passed this thinking for several years (another 12 more .) This morning, I was beginning to doubt of god's mercy.

After 12 years. After 4 failed colleges. I began to lift myself up. I started my quest in finding out the truth about me, and the world where I live in. I wrote several questions, essays, poems about life and living. Unfortunately, none of them made it to this day. I can still remember though, at one time I was so at peace that I again realized that one day, all of this will end. I was a member of a Christian Church at that time and opening the bible is common to me. Instead of giving me hope, it gave me depression. I looked for help and found none. Instead, I was told over and over and over again that I am a sinner. I have to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and all of this will be gone but what the heck.

I got tired of this. I know that I am not perfect, but, I am not THAT bad. There may be some things that I did wrong, but, I am not qualified for a wrath that will never end. Think about this: if you really love someone, would you punish them for all eternity if you could?

What is punishment for? The main purpose of punishment is for humans to realize that they had been wrong. After punishment, what comes next? The lesson. Ahhh!!! of course!

Keeping this in mind, what is eternal punishment for? Hmmmm..... And if this punishment is eternal, when will the lesson be learned? Ahhhh....

Think for a moment and ask yourselves these questions.

I know I often do.